“I wish I had seen the red flags, the showering of gifts and praise, and euphoria I felt at the beginning of our relationship, as signs of danger”.
I have heard these words from my clients who are, and were, in abusive relationships. It can be difficult to spot an unhealthy relationship when you’re in the midst of the honeymoon phase, feel like you’re walking on air and cannot find one thing wrong with your partner. An outsider may spot the issues right away but for you, they’re non existent.
Here’s the situation: you meet someone and are instantly connected to them. Perhaps they start sending you flowers, showing up to take you to fancy restaurants and make promises of grand vacations. You love all the attention and don’t complain about the compliments oozing from their mouths. You don’t mind their constant need to be near you, agreeing with everything you say, sweet notes and phone calls. You’re now so emotionally involved that you crave what’s coming next. You’ve been “love bombed,” and it’s exactly as it sounds.
Love bombing presents as being pelted with love, constantly. This happens at the beginning of a relationship or when issues arise. The point of love bombing is to draw you into the relationship with the intent to manipulate. Get you hooked and be blinded by what’s actually going on around you and within the relationship. This can lead to gaslighting and abuse.
Red flags are just as difficult to spot if you are in the midst of a love fog. If ties with family and friends are being cut, this is a red flag. When the other person manipulates situations so you’re always choosing what they want of you, this is a red flag. When it doesn’t feel right going against your values and morals, but you do it to appease your partner, this is a red flag. Being sneaky, lying, taking without asking… all red flags. Of course, love bombing is a red flag.
So, how can you enjoy your relationship yet still pick up on red flags and love bombing before you’re in too far?
You can be invested in a wonderful relationship and still listen to your gut. If something feels off, pay attention. Sometimes an issue has a logical explanation. Other times, that nagging feeling doesn’t go away. Take note of it. Be your own advocate and don’t be afraid to ask questions. To set boundaries when you feel something is unfair, you’re being taken advantage of, or when things seem too good to be true. All you can do is have both eyes wide open and truly feel how you feel when in the relationship. Get curious about those feelings that tell you something is off.
Most importantly, be open in your relationships. If you feel something is off, talk about it. The way the other person responds will speak volumes. Are they open to working together to create security and a solid foundation for the relationship to thrive on? Are you making your own decisions without barriers going up? Does your partner hear your needs being spoken and react constructively?
You’re smart. Take off your rose-coloured glasses and see the relationship for what it truly is.