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A very green Halloween Tales from the dump with Walt Humphries Friday, October 24, 2008 Previous columns Nothing like a good snowfall to remind one that Halloween is drawing near and that children all across the land are busy getting their costumes ready. Some schools run contests for the best homemade costume or for ones made out of recycled materials. Some schools even have special prizes for the best costume with a green theme. Sure, as if parents didn't already have enough to think about already, now they have to think green. Little Billy wanted to go as a brussels sprout because he hated brussels sprouts and it was the scariest green vegetable he could think of. His brother decided to go as an eggplant. It wasn't green but he had had a traumatic experience with them at his aunt's house. He loved eggs and when his aunt asked him if he wanted some eggplant he said sure, only to discover that they don't taste like eggs at all. Sally wanted to go as the carbon shift because she had heard so much debate about it. The problem was, like most people, she really didn't understand it and was having a lot of trouble thinking up a costume that would represent it. So she decided to go as Mother Nature instead. On one hand she had a green boxing glove and in her other hand she carried a lightning bolt, while slung over her shoulder was a rocket launcher. When the teacher asked her about the weapons, her reply was that it was to show people that it was best not to mess with Mother Nature. One of the teachers, who had Liberal leanings, was taken aback when one boy showed up dressed as a pale and wan Stephane Dion, tinted green, with a big imitation fork stuck in his back. The boy explained that the day after the election he had heard on the news a liberal insider say "Might as well stick him with a fork. He's done!" Adults sometimes don't realize that children can on occasion take what they hear literally. Figuratively it was cruel; literally it was macabre. His brother showed up with a Stephen Harper mask on and his body was covered in strips of cut-up sweaters so that he looked like an Egyptian mummy. He also wore a sweater on his head that looked somewhere between a toque and a turban. He carried a big green box, which said "Secret Green Plan" and when you opened it there was nothing inside but a sign on the inside lid in florescent day-glow, gothic letters that said SURPRISE. A lot of little girls showed up dressed as Elizabeth May, some had even dyed their hair green and they all talked a lot. However, very few kids wanted to dress up as Jack Layton or Gilles Duceppe because they weren't scary enough or green enough. One girl came to school as the dump monster in a costume all covered in trash and litter. Local legend says that the monster comes to life every Halloween. It roams the streets of the city ready to chase any trick or treaters who litters. She won first place. Second place was a tie shared by two kids who had almost identical costumes of very green and slimy blobs. One represented blue-green algae, which was believed to be the first single-celled biological life form on the planet and responsible for turning carbon dioxide into oxygen and therefore creating the oxygen rich atmosphere we enjoy today. The other was a green slime monster from outer space because all good science fiction movies and most good horror movies feature green slime. Third place went to little Billy because the judges took a vote and most of them hated brussels sprouts as much as Billy did. Please remember that in the North Halloween night is often cold, snowy and dark and the roads and sidewalks are slippery, so pick a costume that is practical for those conditions and dress accordingly.
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