Don’t tell my youngest daughter about the world’s heaviest strawberry on record because she will find it and eat it.

Guinness World Records has verified a 10.19 oz strawberry grown by Israeli farmer Ariel Chahi. It’s apparently part of the Ilan variety, which was first bred by Nir Dai, a researcher from the Israel’s Agricultural Research Organization. Dai was on hand for the verification and credited the strawberry’s size to unusually cold temperatures in January and February. I’ve seen bigger — the cartoon Hey Duggee had a massive strawberry which looks heavier than 10.19 oz and the character who grew it simply talked to it all day long.

Anyway.

Drugs, drugs, drugs … (think of the PSA song)

Remember last week when I told you about another Olympic drug cheat hailing from Russia? Well, maybe not really Russia because Russians aren’t allowed to compete as Russians at the Winter Olympics after all, but figure skater Kamila Valieva is from Russia.

Valieva, who’s just 15 years old, recall, failed a pre-Olympic drug test — it was a banned heart medication she juiced up on — and the threat of the non-Russian Russians having their gold medal taken away in the team competition was very real. But fear not because the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) has decided that it’s all OK.

In a press release, CAS stated that the investigation panel “… considered fundamental principles of fairness, proportionality, irreparable harm, and the relative balance of interests as between the Applicants and the Athlete, who did not test positive during the Olympic Games in Beijing and is still subject to a disciplinary procedure on the merits following the positive anti-doping test undertaken in December 2021 …. “

Essentially, CAS determined because it didn’t happen in Beijing, what’s the problem? And she’s 15 so if we don’t let her play, she’ll have hurt feelings.

Valieva was able to skate in the women’s singles event on Feb. 15 with no penalty and if she won a medal, there would be no medal presentation. Whatever good that will do.

Honestly, why bother anymore? Just let everyone snort, smoke, sniff, shoot and swallow whatever the hell they please and let the juice-pigging thrive. At least we’ll know it’s all on the level because all of the competitors will be doped through the nose. Or the esophagus. Or the bicep. Or whatever other crevice they can find.

Movin’ on down

So can we finally give up on the experiment that is the Arizona Coyotes yet? As much as the National Hockey League has tried, hockey will simply never work in Arizona.

The Coyotes are being kicked out of their arena in the city of Glendale because the city doesn’t want them in it anymore. It wasn’t even a negotiation — the city said get out and take your crap with you. So, the Coyotes will be taking their crap with them to a brand spankin’ new facility on the grounds of Arizona State University. It’s a new multi-purpose job with what I assume will be state-of-the-art amenities and plenty of seating.

I lied about that last part because the capacity is around 5,000 or so. This is where the team is now, gang. There are ECHL arenas with higher capacity and, most likely, a larger attendance per game than the Coyotes ever will get.

I can guarantee they won’t sell out this joint, either — the Coyotes couldn’t sell out pad no. 3 of a four-plex in Mesa.

Now, the Coyotes’ season-ticket base, all 17 of them, jumped down my throat once upon a time because I had the nerve to even mention the team moving. I would love for them to pick up on this one and defend what’s happening because the team’s next move will probably be to someone’s makeshift, basement SportCourt rig.

And finally …

Good Idea: Being a Little League umpire.

Bad Idea: Being a Little League umpire and getting busted for dealing meth.

I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff go down in parking lots but this one is my new personal favourite.

We take you to Katy, Texas where an umpire working a Little League tournament was charged by police for being in possession of, and using, crystal meth in his car. Brent Thrasher was the arbiter in question and was picked up after parents noticed him up to “suspicious activity” behind the wheel. A total of 2.7 grams of meth was found by police and he was given the boot by tournament organizers.

Sports leagues of all sorts are facing shortages of suckers who think getting called every derogatory name ever invented is their idea of a good time. If someone needs a quick hit to make things go smoother, who are we to judge? Their strike zone already sucks, right?

Until next time, folks …

James McCarthy

After being a nomad around North America following my semi-debauched post-secondary days, I put down my roots in Yellowknife in 2006. I’ve been keeping this sports seat warm with NNSL for the better...

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