So, you’re filming a new show called Ultimate Slip N’ Slide for NBC. Everything seems to be going smoothly until a few cases of giardiasis show up.

At least the doctors would call it giardiasis. You and I and everyone else who’s never taken a class on medical terminology would know it as explosive diarrhea. The most likely culprit was a romantic evening at a Hooters … or so I’ve been told. Anyway, it apparently began with one of the hosts and spread through the crew like lava. Or is that how it ended up? Can’t say for sure but I’m just glad it didn’t blow up into something worse.

Anyway:

Oh, the humanity

As much as I can’t get over the absolute gnashing of teeth we’re hearing from Toronto Maple Leafs fans, it only got better earlier this month.

The CN Tower was lit up in the colours of the Montreal Canadiens – red, white and blue – on June 8 with the reasoning being that Montreal is Canada’s hope for a Stanley Cup. Well, they are. What other Canadian team is left in the fight? Sure as hell isn’t Toronto because it was Montreal which dumped their asses out in round one with that tremendous comeback from 3-1 down (I personally consider it a choke-job but we can agree to agree, right?)

As expected, Leafs fans, or Leafs Nation as they like to call themselves, wrapped themselves with delicious rage at the absolute nerve of the CN Tower dressing up in les couleurs de Les Habitants. Some of the comments defied description, some of them made me drop an O-ring, some of them were utterly pathetic. In all, a standard smattering of crap you would expect from a group of people who have had absolutely nothing to cheer about playoff-wise since 2004 and whose team couldn’t win a Game 7 even with a three-goal lead late in the game.

In other words, a standard season. Makes Ottawa Senators fans look normal, this does. And yes, I’ll take that knife out and twist is a bit tighter because I’m not finished. Not by a long shot because as long as there’s the Toronto Maple Leafs, there will always be endless seasons of schadenfreude.

Sports is back, baby! … part something or other

Who knew full stands at sporting events would bring so much joy to everyone? Well, maybe not everyone because there are still those who would rather we all be hidden behind windows for the rest of our lives but some of us like being around people.

Which is why Wrigley Field in Chicago was a sight for sore eyes on June 13. Not only did Chicago Cubs super-fan Bill Murray sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game during the seventh-inning stretch, the beer snake re-appeared! Yes, fans in the outfield bleachers managed to collect enough beer cups from who knows where and made a giant snake out of it. By the sixth inning, it literally stretched from the front of the bleachers to near the back. I’m just impressed that so many people could afford the price of a beer at Wrigley Field. It can’t be cheap.

I mean, that thing had to be at least 100 feet long and if you do a rough estimate, that’s around $50,000 worth of beer, give or take a few bucks, and it was growing by the second. You know what’s coming, right? Someone will invariably whine about it and the germs that come with it and how it’s a super-spreader waiting to happen and how pointless it was. Who cares? People had fun and that’s what matters.

And finally …

Good Idea: A goalkeeper being beaten by a good shot.

Bad Idea: A goalkeeper being beaten by a goal from midfield and crashing into the net.

I, along with every Scottish soccer fan, had been waiting for this moment for almost 30 years. Scotland back in a major international soccer tournament since the 1994 World Cup: the 2020 European Championship. Of course, they’d find some way to bugger it up.

We lost to the Czech Republic on June 14, 2-0, but it’s the second goal that summed up how things went at Hampden Park in Glasgow. Patrik Schick of the Czech Republic scored a beauty from almost midfield for the second goal but Scottish goalkeeper David Marshall made himself look like an absolute tool trying to chase it down. After failing miserably, Marshall ended up bumbling himself into a tangled mess in the back of the net.

It was as Scottish as you could get and for all of us who have waited that long, it summed up how we expected it to go. Funny story is that when Scotland qualified, the fans chanted Marshall’s name. Still think he’s the saviour?

Until next time, folks …

James McCarthy

After being a nomad around North America following my semi-debauched post-secondary days, I put down my roots in Yellowknife in 2006. I’ve been keeping this sports seat warm with NNSL for the better...

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