Something you don’t often hear about but you should prioritize right along with your intimate relationships is the emotional connectedness you have with your child.
Being emotionally connected means sharing feelings without judgement, being honest, feeling safe and aligned. It’s also about nurturing the connection to strengthen the foundation of your relationship, yet why isn’t the same level of effort put into this growth as it is in adult relationships?
Building and nurturing an emotional connection with your children is essential for a healthy and positive relationship with them, but also their own well-being. When a child feels the connection with the significant adult in their life, there is security, confidence and attachment formed that’s needed to thrive.
Interestingly, the way you build emotional connection with an intimate partner is the same way you build it with your children. If you’re experiencing a disconnect, lack of respect or verbally hear your child asking for more of you, here are some easy steps to ensure a connection can be formed and maintained.
Spending quality time together is #1. We are all busy but really, what can you drop to make room for fostering growth? Making this time should be part of your schedule, as would any other appointment you put importance into. Carve out special time with your children. Ask them what they want to do and how they can feel fulfilled spending that time with you. This can be more difficult with teenagers or older kids who have very full lives that don’t include their parents.
Ideas may include a weekly dinner or coffee date, putting your phone on silent-mode and focusing on a shared hobby or activity, cooking together or going for a walk. Even setting time aside before bed for extra cuddles or chat time will leave you and them feeling like effort was put into the time spent.
Getting rid of distractions when together shows that they are the most important person in the room. Every time your phone beeps, every time your phone is in your hand, even if you’re not using it, or any time your eyes check out what’s on TV when you’re spending time together sends the message that they’re not important. Make eye contact, actively listen to their thoughts and feelings and show your child that there’s no other place you’d rather be.
Be open to their thoughts and any issues they communicate with you. Shutting them down because ‘I’m the adult’ or ‘I know better’ closes that door to connection. Validate their thought process, opinions and work together to problem-solve. Working as a team helps your child build confidence, problem-solving skills, critical thinking, and, most importantly, shows them that you support them.
It’s a bonus if you know your children’s love language. You can read more about that here: https://www.nnsl.com/opinion/advice-revitalizing-the-way-love-is-expressed-7273354.
Observe what they ask of you, how they react in situations and how they show their love to you. Often, kids mirror to adults the way they want to be loved. This will go extremely far in cracking your kid-code and deepening your connection.
If you haven’t been engaging to this extent with your children, you may get funny looks or complaints but keep going. It takes a few rounds to break the cycle and get them to see that you’re willing to make the effort to solidify a healthy relationship with them, have open and non-judgemental conversation, and you’re willing to put in all the work.
—Sara Aloimonos is a columnist, life coach and functional nutritionist based in Yellowknife.